LYRICS:

The famous Roman Empire
Was the biggest, meanest neighbourhood.
We four were the baddest emperors
And by bad we don’t mean good.

My name is Caligula, a rotten, Roman pig-ula
If you told me a fib-ula I’d hack your hands to stumps.
One time, I killed a priest who’d come to sacrifice a beast
You’d think it’s sad that he’s deceased - we all laughed like chumps.

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I’m very hairy, but take note if you so much as whisper 'goat'
With an iron rod you will be smote; in a good mood today, so I won’t slit your throat.

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I’m bad!
He’s bad!
A shameless rotten cad
Do you still have limbs since meeting me?
Then I guess you should be glad!

Your nastiness was fabulous but my name’s Elagabalus
And I was far, far worse - just listen to my verse.

I was quite notorious for catapulting venomous
Snakes at Rome’s enormous crowds, oh, how they fled.
If you won a lottery prize I’d give you bees, dead dogs and flies
My house guests got a nice surprise, a lion in their bed.

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You’d think to children, I’d be cuter - no, I was their biggest executor
Used their guts to read the future - says here I should get a job as a school tutor.

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I’m bad!
He’s bad!
Could argue I was sad
Hated through our empire
From Great Britain to Baghdad!

Afraid your claim is bogus cos my name is Commodus
And no one else could be a worse emperor than me.

There never was a greater pretend gladiator
If the booing got too loud made the lions fight the crowd.
Just one man was grander, Julius Alexander
So I killed him, see, cos I’m the emperor, me.

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I’m bad!
He’s bad!
My actions truly rad
You only got the emperor job
Cos you were chosen by your dad.

To me, you all score zero. My name is Emperor Nero
Evil men you’re not, I’m the worst-est of the lot.

My rule was full of fear-o
Yes, men from far and near-o
Called me a fighting hero
Or I would have them slayed.

Changed the Olympic season
So the medals went to me, son
Burned Christians for no reason
Just a fun game I played, you know

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Poisoned my stepbrother, ordered men to kill my mother
Tried to drown her but she fled so I had her stabbed instead -
Wait! There’s more!
With my first wife, dear Octavia I showed truly bad behaviour
Chopped her head off, gave it to my girlfriend who I then killed too!

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I’m bad! So baddie!
Of badness, I’m the daddy
Come on, I want to see
A more evil bloke than me!

You’re bad! Real bad!
Nothing more to add
We all thought that we were awful
But you were really, truly mad!

I’m the baddest emperor the Romans ever had.