LYRICS:

It’s good to be boss and Queen Victoria

But what if all the world’s other leaders ignore ya?

Rule the world’s biggest empire, but who does that impress

When even my own subjects don’t know me as Empress?

 

Sort it Disraeli, you’re PM in charge.

I suppose if I had to I could I could tie it to the Raj

The plan, Your Highness, prevent your sense of injure

I hereby name you ‘Empress of India’.

 

Empress of India, that’ll do me

Queen of the Ganges, ruler of Karachi

Mother of Madras, Commander of Kashmir

All I say is I, I, I, I’m… staying here!

 

The vast land of India is all very well

But there’s place like home, I prefer its smell.

Don’t you love Bombay spices and the jewels of Hyderabad?

They are shipped to England, go fetch them I’ve been mad.

 

That Indian famine’s no fun for a newcomer

Prefer the Isle of Wight for my Indian Summer.

Calcutta’s very nice. With that I have no quarrel

Frankly, Benji, bread’s buttered better in Balmoral.

 

Empress of India - title sounds good.

Don’t want to go there - maybe you should?

Mysore, not sure. Won’t go to Gujarati.

That’s a shame. There-ere-ere-ere’s… a fabulous party!

 

Bagpipers played tunes beyond compare. Hey!

Viceroy announced with guns fired in the air. Hey!

The Raj has jumped, gave the elephants a scare. Hey!

Stampeded killing natives, most unfair! Hey!

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But the party didn’t stop for a bit of blood and gore. Hey!

Thousands of leaders feast a week or more. Hey!

The biggest bally party you ever did see. Hey!

There’s only one thing that’s missing - me!

 

Empress of India, nothing would be finer

Own armfuls of Africa and chunks of China.

Queen of the world apart from Paris and Rome.

Can’t take her anywhere. I, I, I, I, I’m… staying home!