LYRICS:

I'm Marcus Licinius Crassus

No rich man could ever surpass us
Wanted people to say I was brave

But I lost my first fight and hid in a cave

Living there could be a pauper's nightmare

But if you're rich like me then you don't care
I called my slave to the cave to ask it

To cook a feast and lower in a basket.

Those Romans think they're minted, but they ain't rich like me
You can't call yourself loaded 'til you can buy an army
Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar; they're more famous than me
But I'm the worlds richest geezer, there's no-one richer than me!
I'm minted.

I back General Sulla, everyday my wallet got fuller
Took the land off enemies to flog it, used the cash to fill my pocket.
If I heard of a house on fire, I'd rush over and be a quick cash buyer.
My fireman would then douse the flames, boom! Another big house to my name.

Those Romans think they're minted, but they ain't rich like me
You can't call yourself loaded 'til you can buy an army.
Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar; they're more famous than me
But I'm the world's richest geezer, there's no-one richer than me!
I'm minted.

I bought an army for fighting Spartacus
At the start my men lost heart-acus
I killed on in ten in a killing spree
So they were more scared of me than the enemy

Smashed the slaves, it got real gory
But then Pompey stole my glory
To show it was me that crushed the horde
Nailed up the slaves like on a billboard
(They're splinted)

Not enough to be a politician
Wanted triumph, took my army on a mission
Got owned by the Parthian Persians
They killed me, but you'll hear two versions -

The famous one's quite hard to follow
They gave me boiling gold to swallow.
But the true way they made me pay
They used my head as a prop in a play!
(Embarrassing)

Those Romans think they're minted, but they ain't rich like me

You can't call yourself loaded 'til you can buy an army.

Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar; they're more famous than me

But I'm the world's richest geezer, there's no-one richer than me!