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Medieval Food Rules

SUMMARY:

Brush up on your medieval table manners with a catchy Dua Lipa parody.

Parody of New Rules by Dua Lipa

From Series 9 Episode 7 Foul Feasting

LYRICS:

Sitting down to my dinner, making myself crazy
(Out of my mind, out of my mind)
Worried that I’ll once again sneeze into the gravy
(Too many times, too many times)


But I’ve, I’ve got books of manners on the shelf,
So I, I have special rules that I can teach myself, teach myself...


One, don’t pick up a bone
Unless it turns out that you’re eating alone
Two, take my advice, try not to scratch your headlice
Three, please avoid farts
We don’t want to hear blasts from your hind parts
And if you scratch your ear, you won’t get invited here


I got food rules, I count ‘em 
Medieval rules, I count ‘em 
I’ve got the books to teach myself


Got to wash my hands each night when I sit at the table
(And never slouch, I never slouch)
Got a special spoon and knife I use whenever able
(Kept in a pouch, a special pouch)


But I’ve, I’ve got books of manners on the shelf
So I can teach myself...


One, don’t dip bread in wine
If you’re feeling ill just pretend that you’re fine
Two, don’t eat too much
Or too little, aim just for enough
Three, don’t pick your teeth
And always say grace just to show you believe
Sit up nice and straight,
Don’t stare at your neighbour’s plate.


I got food rules, I count ‘em
Medieval rules, I count ‘em
I’ve got a book to teach myself


Got to read these books so I be so prim and proper
But each time the food comes out I always come a cropper


One; just don’t be weird
Make sure not to have any food in your beard
Two; stuff you don’t eat
Chuck it on the floor, throw it right by your feet
Three; if you eat too much
Just sneak off and undo your belt a touch,


And if you have to spit,
Aim it away from where you sit!

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