LYRICS:

King Henry VIII, my father, hoped I have some Tudor brothers

Mum had no sons, so rather I got plenty of step mothers.

When at last Prince Ed was born, the crown I bid adieu

They said as king he must be sworn, boys go first in the queue.

But there's no need to worry if at first you don't succeed

When Ed died, I swept aside the rest and was decreed.

Mary the First, that's me

Tudor lady and Queen of England

Not to be confused with Mary

Queen of Scots, not the same see

though weirdly, she's a cousin to me.

Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey should be queen after Ed

But England wanted me, hooray, so poor Jane lost her head.

The Protestants were saying that my ruling made them sick

'Cos when it comes to praying my tastes were catholic.

They revolted, challenged me and fuelled my great desire

To tie 300 to a stake, light touch paper, then retire.

Mary the First, that's me

Called the Bloody Queen of England

Not what I intended, tried to be

Good you see, but history

Only remembers I was a catastrophe.

Married Philip, King of Spain, who then left me

England thought was a pain especially

'Cos he told me to attack France with troops

And when the French advanced we lost Calais, oops!

 

Throughout my reign it rained and rained, it poured upon the poor.

The harvest failed, no food remained and flu killed many more.

Burned Protestants and wed a fool, led armies to defeat.
Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule was short but not that sweet.

I had no kids, named half-sis Liz as a Big Queen Bess to be

So long as she would rule the land as a catholic queen like me.

Lizzie didn't listen she

Made the country Protestant, meaning my legacy
Was ruined, see

Everything I tried to achieve went down the Swanee.

(Bit embarrassing really.)